coi kolin. remo'o

[cbmvax!uunet!OASIS.ICL.CO.UK!I.Alexander.bra0122]

This was my second message to Colin.
This time I'll give you the original first,
and discuss the corrections afterwards.

> coi kolin.
>
> ni'o ca le nu mi ra'i pu cusku le lampru notci kei
> mi jmina lu
>
> ni'o ta'o ki'unai le nu ti na'e xamgu se ciksi le tavla tadji gidva kei
> mi jinvi le du'u lemi cmene cu na nitcu le ka me ga'e kei
> le nu le drani slaka cu se basna kei
> gi'eku'i le romoi slaka cu ja'a cmima le se kancu
> ki'unai ba'e ra ka'e na se basna
>
> li'u
> .i mi ca djuno.ua le du'u do drani
> .i mi ze'aba pu facki re mupli pe sera'a le preti
> zi'e noi fi'o remei cu pagbu le kuspe jvinu
> .i le pamoi noi su'emei cfipu ku'o du zo KAtr,in.
> .i le drata du zo miri,m. noi se basna ta'i MIri,m.
> .iseki'ubo mi pu vimcu leva selsku lemi lampru notci
>
> ni'oji'a mi ca nalnei le selsku po'u lu le tavla tadji gidva li'u
> .i mi zmanei lu le bacru tadji gidva li'u
> .aje'abo lu le su'u bacru kei gidva li'u
>
> co'omi'e .i,n .alegZANdr.

"le nu mi ra'i pu cusku le lampru notci kei":
        "ra'i" was intended to translate "originally", or "the first time".
It might be better as "le pamoi nu mi pu cusku li'o".

"le nu ti na'e xamgu se ciksi":
        "ti" doesn't mean anything in this context.  Perhaps "le selsnu".
"The thing I'm about to elaborate on in the next few sentences".

"lemi cmene cu na nitcu le ka me ga'e":
        "lo nitcu" should probably be an active agent of some sort.
How about "lemi cmene zo'u na sarcu fa li'o".
        "le ka me ga'e" was the only thing I could come up with to talk
about capitalisation.  Does it work?  Is there something better?

"gi'eku'i le romoi slaka cu ja'a cmima le se kancu":
        "gi'e" should be ".ije".

"ki'unai ba'e ra ka'e na se basna":
        "ki'unai" should be followed by "lenu".

"mi ze'aba pu facki re mupli":
        "ze'aba pu" doesn't work.  I'm looking forward to John Cowan's
paper on the tense system to tell me how it fits together.
Can I say "baza ku pu facki"?

"zi'e noi fi'o remei cu pagbu le kuspe jvinu":
        "fi'o remei" was an attempt to translate "both", but even
if it works, or you turn it round into e.g. "noi remei co pagbu li'o",
I'm now wondering whether it links the two examples too closely
as a pair.  Perhaps "no'u re pagbu be li'o"?

"le pamoi noi su'emei cfipu ku'o du zo KAtr,in.":
        "noi su'emei cfipu ku'o" doesn't appear to work.  My current
best effort is "noi nalxagmau lo cfipu ku'o".

"le drata du zo miri,m. noi se basna ta'i MIri,m.":
        "MIri,m." needs a preceding "zo".

        There was also some confusion due to the fact that I didn't
mention the context of the quoted passage, which was in reply to
a message from Colin explaining how I should Lojbanise my name.

co'oke'u mi'e .i,n .alegZANdr.