Re: seitu'a lu la .eim. li'u

[John Cowan <cowan@locke.ccil.org>]

Mark Vines wrote "la .eim.".

A few small points:

> Each line has 12 syllables, the 2nd, 5th, 8th &
> 11th of which should be stressed.

If the stressed syllable of a cmavo
immediately precedes a brivla, a pause must intervene.
Your rule as stated above requires two more pauses:
in line 2, for "vu drata" read "vu. drata", and
in line 5, for "lo drata" read "lo. drata".

"je'a mi speni" in line 4 is ungrammatical, and needs to be
"je'abo mi speni"; the preceding "je" can be dropped
to preserve the rhythm.

Technically, the "ko" in line 11 is not yet bound
by the "doi mi" in line 12, but I think that this
deviation is perfectly allowable in poetry.

Otherwise:  Bravo!  A very subtle poem, particularly
in its use of unexpected and exact lujvo.

-- 
John Cowan	http://www.ccil.org/~cowan		cowan@ccil.org
			e'osai ko sarji la lojban